Thursday, November 10, 2005

Smutty Single Seniors Don't Use Real Names

Image site here.

I am always so happy when I finsh something, you'd think I'd do it more often. I just finished a submission for a potentially remunerative gig. I don't care that the pay will likely be paltry. I'd like to be semi-regularly published. Besides here, I mean, where I delight daily in the liberty of using the word crap a lot.

1) I'm also happy to be freed up for Nanoing. Yay- you sigh- another item on that. So tedious until the 30th. But now that the Grumpy Old Bookman's on board, can coolness be far behind?

2) My take on porn curricula is that one shouldn't have to pay $350 a credit hour to make one's own porn. Amateur's supposed to be free, isn't it? Besides, I remember some of the wacky professorial individuals at my schools. If I'm paying to perform, and the prof ends up with stacks of XXX student smut, who's the clear winner? Is it me with my shiny A and newfound vulnerability, or my professor with a large inventory of highly saleable and/or blackmailable material? Is the T.A. trustworthy? Are the locks secure? You'll only need an egg timer to measure the time before those tapes hit a subscription site, leak around the campus, or are used in another context that won't exactly enhance your transcript.

Granted, if you're afraid to tackle any learning above a high school level of competence, I can see why you'd stay away from real knowledge and select a topic that any autodidact with Cinemax can study in mind-numbing iteration and that many learn quite well "on-the-job" so to speak. This is again why I'm for the restitution of broad vocational schooling. Parents, wouldn't you be prouder and wouldn't your children have a brighter future if they were learning to repair dialysis machines or ATMs and not wasting their time and your cash in a university?

3) We're talking about aliases. The names authors take to help sell books when their own name has become associated with less-than-blockbuster performance or the gender and sound is "wrong" for marketing. I know it must be disheartening to build a career where your own name proudly identifies your work and then have to switch to a name you must explain. Like Sarah Weinman, I was reminded of Donald Westlake's book The Hook which gives a great rundown of the vicious cycle that can force an author into fakery. Westlake, of course, has his own alternate identity as Richard Stark. Unlike a couple of Sarah's commenters, I'm not offended as a reader. Not only can I conceive of plenty of good reasons for AKAs, I'll bet Henway Twingo isn't even on my birth certificate!

4) Senior bloggers are rockin' it old school, and proving to be actual individuals, not just airbrushed fiber ads. If my 77 year-old friend is reading this (and you know you are, you wired-up web-surfing vixen) you ought to give these bourgeois oldsters a run for the Celebrex. Metaphorically speaking.

5) Intellidating. This is where you attempt to meet a lover based on more than you can discover by screaming across a sticky bar. I thought attending events of personal interest and talking with other attendees was always a decent method of foraging for friendships and more. For someone brighter than a brick, the events might include words or art, talent or skill. But no one wants old, crustified dating advice. Rename it, and it's marketing gold!

CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. I feel so breezy and free.

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