Monday, May 29, 2006

Bring on the GeezerWar!

Never, in Pat Robertson's much-televised life, has he ever looked like this image of the genuine Jack Lalanne , or like Paul Bunyan or Jose Canseco or other fictional strongman. Whither this previously unrevealed superhuman strength?

So, what about Pat Robertson's claim to leg-press 2000 pounds? For years, I've been asserting he's loonylicious and should be dismissed except as political comic relief. Go stand in a faraway corner with failed candidates Pat Buchanan and the departed Pat Paulsen, who at least intended to be funny. Observations:

-You can see the video where he claims to do a 1000 pounds- though he keeps adding either 80 or 90 pounds (40 or 45lb plates) and calling it a hundred heavier each time while shaving ten or twenty in actual weight.

- Whatever the awe-inspiring amount, he claims it's after a hiatus from doing leg presses of a couple months. Muscles start atrophying in days, but not SuperProteinShakey ones, I guess.

- This amount loads his machine to the limit. Most machines won't hold more without modification. Where did Pat find the one for his 2,000 pound feat?

-Hulking, virile young football players can't leg-press 2 large, not even the recordholder at FSU who burst the capillaries in his eyes setting the upper limit at 1300ish.

-No previous protein shake has made someone this strong- radioactive spider venom on the other hand...Hand me my credit card, QUICK!

- Shouldn't Robertson be out fighting crime in the mean streets with this bad mojo?

- If the 700 Club leader's intent is putting his own braggodocious moves on Scientology for crazy dominance, I'm enjoying the throwdown. Next, could he put clanking bottles on his fingers and invite Tom Cruise out to play-ay, Pleeeassse?

-Pat Robertson looks spindlier than I am. Sure, he's nutty, but I'm mean and decades younger. I like my chances, and yet, my bet is that 92 year-old Lalanne could still pin him (and me) for eight.

-Could I please be the ring girl in the Pay Per View? How much would the aforementioned GeezerWar rock?!

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